...emotionally visible...

Frustrated. Angry. Offended. Stressed. Upset. Emotionally. Small. Powerless. 

Seventh period, our favorite class..."favorite". We dread the 1:57 bell everyday. But no matter how scared I am or how much I hope that the students actually behave for once, I put that smile on my face. Here we go...here they come!!!

I stood outside the classroom with my teacher just like any other day and after a while, I went in to get people started on the "Do Now". Fifth period started out great as I noticed that Big M decided not to sit in his usual spot and instead sat on the other side of the room, away from his friends.

"M, did you chose to sit over here? Did you come here on your own?" *Shoulder shrug* "I'm really proud of you M! Thank you for coming over here and not sitting next to your friends and spending the whole period talking, I really appreciate it!" "You're welcome.." 

 But what I was in for seventh period was very different. No joys to share. It's pretty apparent to the rest of the class that I struggle with A, D, and DA. Who doesn't. But its getting to the point that other students can really see how much attention I put into them and how much it takes a toll on me. I spent a majority of the period refocusing them on the lesson. While some times they were responsive and asked clarifying questions, most of the other times they were feeding off of each other, being incredibly disruptive, and disrespectful. If I say A's name, he gets upset because I know his name. When I call D out on something he shouldn't be doing, he apologizes but 2 minutes later, he's back to doing something to entertain DA and A. And whenever I try to do anything with DA, he gets defensive and closes off completely.

1. But today I felt like I was in a triangle of difficulty between them. I call out DA and D for hitting and bothering each other when suddenly they burst out laughing at something behind me. I quickly turn around and catch a glimpse of A doing something behind my back. He looked away in time for me not to be able to tell what he was doing, but I knew it was something inappropriate...
2. "...mother fucker!!!..." - part of A's lovely song he was blurted out as I was standing behind him without him realizing. I instinctively reacted and put my hand on his shoulder, more aggressive than usual. "You just hit me!!! Don't hit me!" he blurted out for the entire class to hear. People just looked at him and then ignored him, going back to their work. But A wouldn't give it up, he kept saying that I hit him and I need to get away from him "I'm not playing!" I was in shock myself that I reacted so quickly and was really close to going off on him but I wanted to take my time and think because I don't want him to completely shut off from me. So after a few moments, I knew that I wanted to apologize, but in a more private situation. So I asked A if he would be willing to talk to me after class but of course he refused; most likely assuming that I was trying to get him in trouble. 

After the bell rang, I walked out of the classroom following A. I felt it was really important for me to apologize as well as tell him that I did not appreciate his actions. In order for me to continue building a relationship with him, I knew I had to communicate clearly what I expected of him and what I was willing to offer him. As I called out his name though, he took my approach as an attack. "I'm just getting my coat, man!" "Okay, I want to tell you something though, can I talk to you?" He refused and tried to walk away. Luckily, a teacher was witnessing the situation and supported me by getting A to go into his classroom with me to have a conversation. A came back from trying to run away from me and I started off by saying "if you knew what I wanted to talk to you about, you'd be able to calm down and wouldn't have to react this way...I want to apologize to you, for reacting so quickly and causing me to put my hand on your shoulder in the way that I did. But I didn't appreciate at all the language that you were using, even if it was a song and you thought you were being entertaining, I didn't appreciate it and it caused me to react that way. And I also don't appreciate you making fun of me behind my back. I could tell you did something that caused DA and D to laugh during class and even though I didn't turn back fast enough to catch you, I know you were doing something inappropriate..." "It wasn't about you, we were just laughing..." and at this point, I could tell I was losing his attention because he started laughing and I could hear laughter behind me and before I knew it, DA and D were inside the classroom chasing after each other. The teach came back in and tried to chase them out but had to yell at them "Get out of my room! I don't want you here!" They finally got out along with A. "I don't want this to be the way that we interact A, I deserve respect and I'll give you respect too, but it needs to be a two way street..." "Okay."

On my way out of the classroom, I looked at the teacher that helped me and let out a deep breath. 

"Welcome to Collins Academy..."

Shaking, I walked back to my classroom. My teacher saw me come back in and immediately told the two students in the room to please step outside because she needed to talk to me. At first, I wasn't sure if she was going to say that I shouldn't have reacted so instinctively with "hitting" A, but she instantly came over to me and asked if I was okay. "I noticed that you ran out of the classroom when the bell rang and I was worried about you...what happened? What did he say?" I told her what had happened..."He's hard to reach to and read...it's not you, it's hard, I'm six years into it and I still find it difficult! You've been here only a couple of weeks but you're doing a great job, you're helping all these kids, and you don't deserve to be treated like that..." I felt so incredibly supported and free to let out my emotions. I knew this was going to be one of my challenges, controlling my emotions and releasing them in a healthy manner. "You held it together really well during class, you hid it really well because I couldn't tell, and you're just now letting it all out, I'm impressed at how well you held yourself together in class!" It was comforting hearing that I did a good job during class at not letting my emotions show because I was honestly ready to start crying in the middle of class. I felt so offended and insulted that I became so frustrated with anger that my instinct was to just cry about it.

It was really special being able to talk to my teacher about what I was feeling and how it was impacting me and just letting her know in general that I am a very emotional person and can get attached to people and their actions real easily. Her concern and words really comforted me and I felt even more support when the student were allowed to come back in. Big M from fifth period called out my name as he was walking in..."Ms. Serrano...are you okay?" "Yes, thank you M.." I wiped my eyes and put on my smile again as I headed downstairs for the after school help City Year puts on. In the hallway I ran into R and he also asked if I was okay. He heard everything that I told A after class because he was in the corner of the room finishing up some work. I don't think he saw me crying, but he could heard the conversation and I'm sure was able to tell that I was upset from it.

As I walked toward the CY room, I was preparing myself to let go of the situation that I just got out off and get ready and excited for the after school tutoring. The first two faces I saw were DA and D...GREAT. I kind of give them a death stare without really thinking about it, and I catch my team leader's glance next. I start walking towards our side room and she joins me. Everything comes out again as I explained to her what happened and I could see through my blurry, tear-filled vision that D was watching me cry. After letting some more out and taking some more deep breaths, I head out into the room to help people. I head over to the table where DA and D were sitting and D motions for me. "What's wrong??" "...I'm frustrated...with you guys...and the way you acted today..." I took another deep breath to let him take it in, and just put my hand on their shoulders and walked away. Later I found out from my team leader that was sitting next to them that D told DA "...it's because of how you acted a fool today!..." and I could tell even later on in the hour that D was refocusing DA whenever he wasn't doing his work "...just do it, man, just do you're work..." Once D finished his homework, he headed to the window and was staring out. I went over to him, "what you looking at?" "the football team...Hey Ms. Hallberg!! I finsihed my work!!" At first I couldn't see my teacher as she was walking by, but after I found her, she could tell that it was me standing next to D, waving back to us. "Hey, thanks D for asking me if I was okay...I appreciate you caring." "You're welcome."

After DA finished his homework, he headed to the computers and started playing a game. I took the opportunity to see if he would talk to me without interrupting me or walking away. Remember this is the same kid that refused, absolutely refused to talk to me about the possibility of meeting with him.

"You like to play billards?" "Yeah" "We used to have a pool table in my house growing up..." and went on to tell me about how he plays pool at the barber shop and all the tricks that he knows how to do. "So you're here because the basketball team has to come and get help with their homework?" "Yeah" "What position do you play" "Point guard..." "Do you play any other sports?" "Baseball" "I play softball!..what positions do you play?!" "Pitcher..center field..shortstop..anything they need me too, they like me out in center field because I can throw the ball in and get a guy out at home plate.." 

Two other students joined us and then I asked if they liked Starburst... :) They love candy!! Who doesn't I guess?! I brought some over to them and I continued to ask them questions..."Did you guys have fun today here?" Everyone nods...even DA!! "Are you guys glad you came?" everyone nods...EVEN DA!!! WHAAAAAT?!!!!!?!!!! :D Before DA was getting ready to leave, he taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I had some more starburst, and yeah, okay I was using candy to buy talk, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! Are you kidding me?! Do you people know how big of a step this is?! IT MADE ME SO HAPPY!

"Hey Q!" "*sigh...*...maaan! Why you always wanna be starting something!?" 


Since when does saying hello to someone mean that you want to "start something" with them? During class, Q usually gets pretty defensive too if I start talking to him. He's one of those that gets upset if I call him by his name...apparently I'm not supposed to know their name? The funny thing is that I defended him 3 times today during class! I knew he wasn't the one causing trouble, so I was there helping him out and making sure people weren't bothering him. But the one time that he grabbed someone else's paper and I was trying to explain to him that the worksheet was about opinions, there weren't any right or wrong answers...

 "MAAAAN! Okay okay, I get it, I get it!!!...."Q..I'm not getting you in trouble, I just want to let you know that its you opinion, it doesn't mean that there is a right or wrong answer.." "MAAAAAN! Okay! okay! Stop talking to meeee!"

At the after school session, it kind of turned into a game for us, every time we would make eye contact I'd wave and say Hi. He'd just shake his head and laugh. On his way out...

"Goodbye everyone!...except you...."

Again, its another interaction that I'll say to you: I'll take it!!! I'm glad that at least he's smiling back at me, and doesn't feel like I'm threatening him because after all, I'm just saying Hello!




So even though I hit a bump in the road, and the amount of air that I got from that bump sent me flying in the air! The end of the day was great and made it all worth it, all worth it. 

I wouldn't have it any other way.