1st Day of City Year After School Homework Help at Collins Academy

Joy:

I was supposed to also help a kid with his Spanish homework, but he wasn't assigned Spanish today so instead we worked on World Studies. We finished the worksheet and just had a really great time together. As I was walking him outside to get picked up he told me "I had a lot of fun today, the most fun I've had in a long time.." "Me too! I really enjoyed meeting you! And now you know, if you need help with World Studies or Spanish..." "Oh, you don't have to tell me, I'll be coming back and getting help!" "GREAT!"

It was also wonderful meeting his grandpa that picked him up! I went to introduce myself and to tell him what we did today. I told him I had a great time working with J and that he has a great grandson, he was wonderful to get to know and an all around great kid. "I look forward to seeing him more!"

A big smile appeared on both faces, like grandfather like grandson...beautiful. 

...emotionally visible...

Frustrated. Angry. Offended. Stressed. Upset. Emotionally. Small. Powerless. 

Seventh period, our favorite class..."favorite". We dread the 1:57 bell everyday. But no matter how scared I am or how much I hope that the students actually behave for once, I put that smile on my face. Here we go...here they come!!!

I stood outside the classroom with my teacher just like any other day and after a while, I went in to get people started on the "Do Now". Fifth period started out great as I noticed that Big M decided not to sit in his usual spot and instead sat on the other side of the room, away from his friends.

"M, did you chose to sit over here? Did you come here on your own?" *Shoulder shrug* "I'm really proud of you M! Thank you for coming over here and not sitting next to your friends and spending the whole period talking, I really appreciate it!" "You're welcome.." 

 But what I was in for seventh period was very different. No joys to share. It's pretty apparent to the rest of the class that I struggle with A, D, and DA. Who doesn't. But its getting to the point that other students can really see how much attention I put into them and how much it takes a toll on me. I spent a majority of the period refocusing them on the lesson. While some times they were responsive and asked clarifying questions, most of the other times they were feeding off of each other, being incredibly disruptive, and disrespectful. If I say A's name, he gets upset because I know his name. When I call D out on something he shouldn't be doing, he apologizes but 2 minutes later, he's back to doing something to entertain DA and A. And whenever I try to do anything with DA, he gets defensive and closes off completely.

1. But today I felt like I was in a triangle of difficulty between them. I call out DA and D for hitting and bothering each other when suddenly they burst out laughing at something behind me. I quickly turn around and catch a glimpse of A doing something behind my back. He looked away in time for me not to be able to tell what he was doing, but I knew it was something inappropriate...
2. "...mother fucker!!!..." - part of A's lovely song he was blurted out as I was standing behind him without him realizing. I instinctively reacted and put my hand on his shoulder, more aggressive than usual. "You just hit me!!! Don't hit me!" he blurted out for the entire class to hear. People just looked at him and then ignored him, going back to their work. But A wouldn't give it up, he kept saying that I hit him and I need to get away from him "I'm not playing!" I was in shock myself that I reacted so quickly and was really close to going off on him but I wanted to take my time and think because I don't want him to completely shut off from me. So after a few moments, I knew that I wanted to apologize, but in a more private situation. So I asked A if he would be willing to talk to me after class but of course he refused; most likely assuming that I was trying to get him in trouble. 

After the bell rang, I walked out of the classroom following A. I felt it was really important for me to apologize as well as tell him that I did not appreciate his actions. In order for me to continue building a relationship with him, I knew I had to communicate clearly what I expected of him and what I was willing to offer him. As I called out his name though, he took my approach as an attack. "I'm just getting my coat, man!" "Okay, I want to tell you something though, can I talk to you?" He refused and tried to walk away. Luckily, a teacher was witnessing the situation and supported me by getting A to go into his classroom with me to have a conversation. A came back from trying to run away from me and I started off by saying "if you knew what I wanted to talk to you about, you'd be able to calm down and wouldn't have to react this way...I want to apologize to you, for reacting so quickly and causing me to put my hand on your shoulder in the way that I did. But I didn't appreciate at all the language that you were using, even if it was a song and you thought you were being entertaining, I didn't appreciate it and it caused me to react that way. And I also don't appreciate you making fun of me behind my back. I could tell you did something that caused DA and D to laugh during class and even though I didn't turn back fast enough to catch you, I know you were doing something inappropriate..." "It wasn't about you, we were just laughing..." and at this point, I could tell I was losing his attention because he started laughing and I could hear laughter behind me and before I knew it, DA and D were inside the classroom chasing after each other. The teach came back in and tried to chase them out but had to yell at them "Get out of my room! I don't want you here!" They finally got out along with A. "I don't want this to be the way that we interact A, I deserve respect and I'll give you respect too, but it needs to be a two way street..." "Okay."

On my way out of the classroom, I looked at the teacher that helped me and let out a deep breath. 

"Welcome to Collins Academy..."

Shaking, I walked back to my classroom. My teacher saw me come back in and immediately told the two students in the room to please step outside because she needed to talk to me. At first, I wasn't sure if she was going to say that I shouldn't have reacted so instinctively with "hitting" A, but she instantly came over to me and asked if I was okay. "I noticed that you ran out of the classroom when the bell rang and I was worried about you...what happened? What did he say?" I told her what had happened..."He's hard to reach to and read...it's not you, it's hard, I'm six years into it and I still find it difficult! You've been here only a couple of weeks but you're doing a great job, you're helping all these kids, and you don't deserve to be treated like that..." I felt so incredibly supported and free to let out my emotions. I knew this was going to be one of my challenges, controlling my emotions and releasing them in a healthy manner. "You held it together really well during class, you hid it really well because I couldn't tell, and you're just now letting it all out, I'm impressed at how well you held yourself together in class!" It was comforting hearing that I did a good job during class at not letting my emotions show because I was honestly ready to start crying in the middle of class. I felt so offended and insulted that I became so frustrated with anger that my instinct was to just cry about it.

It was really special being able to talk to my teacher about what I was feeling and how it was impacting me and just letting her know in general that I am a very emotional person and can get attached to people and their actions real easily. Her concern and words really comforted me and I felt even more support when the student were allowed to come back in. Big M from fifth period called out my name as he was walking in..."Ms. Serrano...are you okay?" "Yes, thank you M.." I wiped my eyes and put on my smile again as I headed downstairs for the after school help City Year puts on. In the hallway I ran into R and he also asked if I was okay. He heard everything that I told A after class because he was in the corner of the room finishing up some work. I don't think he saw me crying, but he could heard the conversation and I'm sure was able to tell that I was upset from it.

As I walked toward the CY room, I was preparing myself to let go of the situation that I just got out off and get ready and excited for the after school tutoring. The first two faces I saw were DA and D...GREAT. I kind of give them a death stare without really thinking about it, and I catch my team leader's glance next. I start walking towards our side room and she joins me. Everything comes out again as I explained to her what happened and I could see through my blurry, tear-filled vision that D was watching me cry. After letting some more out and taking some more deep breaths, I head out into the room to help people. I head over to the table where DA and D were sitting and D motions for me. "What's wrong??" "...I'm frustrated...with you guys...and the way you acted today..." I took another deep breath to let him take it in, and just put my hand on their shoulders and walked away. Later I found out from my team leader that was sitting next to them that D told DA "...it's because of how you acted a fool today!..." and I could tell even later on in the hour that D was refocusing DA whenever he wasn't doing his work "...just do it, man, just do you're work..." Once D finished his homework, he headed to the window and was staring out. I went over to him, "what you looking at?" "the football team...Hey Ms. Hallberg!! I finsihed my work!!" At first I couldn't see my teacher as she was walking by, but after I found her, she could tell that it was me standing next to D, waving back to us. "Hey, thanks D for asking me if I was okay...I appreciate you caring." "You're welcome."

After DA finished his homework, he headed to the computers and started playing a game. I took the opportunity to see if he would talk to me without interrupting me or walking away. Remember this is the same kid that refused, absolutely refused to talk to me about the possibility of meeting with him.

"You like to play billards?" "Yeah" "We used to have a pool table in my house growing up..." and went on to tell me about how he plays pool at the barber shop and all the tricks that he knows how to do. "So you're here because the basketball team has to come and get help with their homework?" "Yeah" "What position do you play" "Point guard..." "Do you play any other sports?" "Baseball" "I play softball!..what positions do you play?!" "Pitcher..center field..shortstop..anything they need me too, they like me out in center field because I can throw the ball in and get a guy out at home plate.." 

Two other students joined us and then I asked if they liked Starburst... :) They love candy!! Who doesn't I guess?! I brought some over to them and I continued to ask them questions..."Did you guys have fun today here?" Everyone nods...even DA!! "Are you guys glad you came?" everyone nods...EVEN DA!!! WHAAAAAT?!!!!!?!!!! :D Before DA was getting ready to leave, he taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I had some more starburst, and yeah, okay I was using candy to buy talk, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! Are you kidding me?! Do you people know how big of a step this is?! IT MADE ME SO HAPPY!

"Hey Q!" "*sigh...*...maaan! Why you always wanna be starting something!?" 


Since when does saying hello to someone mean that you want to "start something" with them? During class, Q usually gets pretty defensive too if I start talking to him. He's one of those that gets upset if I call him by his name...apparently I'm not supposed to know their name? The funny thing is that I defended him 3 times today during class! I knew he wasn't the one causing trouble, so I was there helping him out and making sure people weren't bothering him. But the one time that he grabbed someone else's paper and I was trying to explain to him that the worksheet was about opinions, there weren't any right or wrong answers...

 "MAAAAN! Okay okay, I get it, I get it!!!...."Q..I'm not getting you in trouble, I just want to let you know that its you opinion, it doesn't mean that there is a right or wrong answer.." "MAAAAAN! Okay! okay! Stop talking to meeee!"

At the after school session, it kind of turned into a game for us, every time we would make eye contact I'd wave and say Hi. He'd just shake his head and laugh. On his way out...

"Goodbye everyone!...except you...."

Again, its another interaction that I'll say to you: I'll take it!!! I'm glad that at least he's smiling back at me, and doesn't feel like I'm threatening him because after all, I'm just saying Hello!




So even though I hit a bump in the road, and the amount of air that I got from that bump sent me flying in the air! The end of the day was great and made it all worth it, all worth it. 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Joy:

"I love City Year... You guys are awesome... I'm going to miss you."

“I won’t come to school tomorrow…because I don’t want to talk to you!”

Today was my first 50 Acts of Leadership session with D! Or at least it was supposed to be…It’s been a rollercoaster with him so far. The first time I told him about the sessions, he really upset and even went as far as threatening to have his mom call to get him out of the sessions. Although the next time I reminded him about our upcoming meeting he didn’t protest and just gave me a “…okay.” But yesterday after class I told him I was going to meet up with him during lunch today and he went back to excessively refusing to meet with me. “I don’t want to! I won’t come to school tomorrow because I don’t want to talk to you!”

I knew I was going to have a hard time trying to get him to come with me if he was already in the lunch room, so I decided I was going to get a step ahead of him and be outside of his 3^rd period and wait for him so that he couldn’t escape. But while I was thinking that I was the smart one and he wasn’t going to get out of the classroom without me next to him, before I knew it, he was already walking away trying to get away from my sight. And so the race began…I followed him, didn’t call out his name but I knew he knew I was trying to catch up to him. He kept looking back, shaking his head. His first words were “I don’t want to.” “Why not? Do you know what it is? I just want to talk to you.” “I don’t want to talk to you!” “Why  not?” “Because I don’t want to!” … As I tried to talk to him he kept walking away from me up and down the hall, weaving in between people to try to lose me. He finally sat down at a table outside of the lunch room where his friends were standing. After some more going back and forth, D went into the lunch room one entrance and walked out the other in an effort to lose me. At that point I felt that I needed to give him some space so I just stayed in the lunch room and walked around talking to different students. DC called me over and asked if I was looking for D and we got to talking. We eventually spotted him on the other side of the lunch room and DC called D over. A ended up coming over and asked me the same thing. I started talking to A and even though he was saying “He doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to..” I tried to get him to understand that I’m not a threat to him and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to talk to me, “all I’m trying to do is talk to him”. A called over D and I was surprised to get his support. A was acting like a sort of middle man as I was trying to get D to talk to me. I think at that point D could tell that I was getting offended that he wasn’t willing to just talk to him especially when his other friends didn’t seem to have a problem with me. “I’ll talk to you next week.” “You’ll talk to me next week?! Okay! Can I get you to shake on it?” It felt like such a great accomplishment at that moment, to just get him to agree to meeting, even if it was a week away, I’m okay with giving him more time if he needs it, but I wanted a handshake, I wanted him to take responsibility in his words and have it mean something, in front of his friends. But I think he got scared again. He got up and walked away. A was standing in the middle of us and couldn’t believe that D was just walking away as I had my hand extended for him waiting to shake hands. A kept telling D to shake my hand but it didn’t seem to help. D just went to another table to hide away from my sight. So I took a breath and accepted that I at least got him to verbally agree to talking with me next week. So I sat down at a table with J, he was doing some work and I offered any help if he needed it. A little after I sat down, I looked up and saw that D was on the other side of the table. As we made eye contact (a huge step for him because he usually refuses to look me in the eye…) he extended his arm and said “I’m sorry for walking away and not shaking your hand”. It felt amazing that he actually cared enough to come back and shake my hand, so I’m hopeful that he’ll try next week, and if I need to I can remind him of the effort he put into shaking my hand and making the most of his word. I knew then that it was my time to go. I wanted to show him that I wasn’t going to just give up on him; if I had to follow him around for half the lunch period just to get an okay for next week, I was willing to do it. So after our handshake, I thanked him and got up to walk out. Outside of the lunch room, I saw A in line waiting for food and I went up to him “Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.” He extended his arm and shook my hand. We smiled and I walked away.

During those whirlwind of 15 minutes, I was shaking in anger, frustration, emotion, desperation, shock, but by the end, I was euphoric. A handshake and an “I’ll meet with you next week” may not seem like much to an outsider, but for me coming from D seems like a true gift. For once he looked me in the eye and he approached me without walking away. And I got the support from his friends; a resource that I feel will play a very important role in encouraging D in anything. So even though I didn’t get to talk alone with D and I found myself feeling a little jealous of my teammates as they were having what appeared like great sessions with their kids, I know that today I took a step towards building the foundation of my relationship with D, as small as it might appear, but don’t be mistaken, it was powerful. D is going to be a great leader one day, he just needs a little help so in the mean time, I’ll be trying my best to offer any sort of help I can to get him there.