A's Progress

Today I met with A to her her study for her big test next week. She asked to have lunch with me and that I could help her so when I went upstairs to find her during lunch, I was walking around and it turned out that she found me! I feel a tap on my shoulder..."Ms. Serrano! Let's go!" She already had her lunch and was ready to go! I showed her how to make flashcards and how to study with them while we listened to our favorite music. On our way back upstairs from eating, she was feverishly studying the flashcards and while in class she was the only one answering the review questions and she was right on all of them! Then we had a reading quiz in class and came up to me to show me her score..."9 out of 10! That's great, A!" "Uh, I'm mad 'cause I wanted a 10 out of 10!"

It was a great day for her in school and it was easy to tell she was proud of herself... :)

Lunches with DA

Lunches with DA have been getting better! Last time I let him use my laptopand we looked up colleges he's interested in and baseball camps in the Chicago area that be might be able to go to. I really want to find some for him to go, I think it'll be good for him, expose him to other people, allow him to learn how to interact with other people outside of high school.

I talked to him mom too. He wasn't at school on Tuesday, so I called home to see where he was, if everything was okay. She asked me how he was doing and we talked about his progress and interests. I made sure I let her know about the colleges he's interested in and the ways that I want to help him. It was much better conversation than the last time I talked to her. Last time I caught her at work and I think it just caused her to stress out. But this time she sounded much calmer and much more receptive.

Overall I think DA is starting to see that I have the potential of helping him in some way. He's learning to trust me, slowly, very slowy, but surely. He keeps me on my toes challenging me to think of creative and interesting ways to get him engaged. I can't just do the simple things, the boring things, things that he's seen and isn't interested in , because he doesn't care about them, he'll get frustrated, and shut down. If the things I'm doing for him aren't helping or interesting, then why would he want to hear them?

He's teaching me to pay attention at a deeper level, teaching me how to push him without pushing him too far, teaching me how to fight without letting my emotions get in the way, he's teaching me how to teach him, he's teaching me how to teach myself.

Listening Quiz

We had a listening quiz in class today. My 5th period did well, most kids (the especially chatty ones) were gone on a field trip so the students were able to focus and actually listen without distractions. 7th period however was a differnt story. As I was looking around while my teacher was reading the article, only 5 kids out of 30 were doing what they were supposed to be doing. It made me think of how the very important skills in life of simply listening, taking in what you hear, taking notes...how they just don't take any interest in it, even though they knew they would have a listening quiz at the end. They don't understand the importance. If they don't practice these skills, how are they going to be out in the "real" world? What jobs are they going to be able to hold?
How can I get them to understand the importance? What can I do?

One step at a time...one student at a time...

One of my girls in 7th period though did a great job listening. I was so proud of her. A,  the girl from my latest joy, took great notes during the activitiy and got 100% on her quiz! 

It takes 60 days to break a habit...

Yesterday after school, Ms. Lewis and I had a great talk with DP. We talked about emotions, reactions, self control, treatment of others, etc...and by the end, we all wrote out habits that we can improve on. These are the things he's working on...
 

Things that DP Can Improve In:

1. Treat others as I would like to be treated.
2. Eat less junk food.
3. Anger management

We also talked about the importance of keeping each other accountable. So he's supposed to be asking us how our new habits are going and we'll be checking up on him too. It really felt like we were making a difference, he was thinking about what we were saying and taking things in...we just have to continue offering him that support and reminding him that he is the one with control of his actions and every action he takes has its consequences...

JOY:

"Ms. Serrano...can you please tell M to stop...he's really irritating me and my angry side is really close to coming out..."

"Yes, A, I can tell that he's bothering you and he's being disruptive and I'm trying my best to calm him down. Keep on trying you best too to stay focused and working...I really appreciate you telling me. I'm really proud of you and how you're taking control of your reactions and being responsible with them..."

A little background on A. One minute she can be the sweetest girl and absolutely love you, but if you say the wrong thing or give her a wrong answer on accident, she'll turn on you cold and refuse to talk to you, she won't even want you around her and will tell you to get away from her. That's what happened yesterday in class. She was also being bothered by M yesterday and didn't react in the most positive way. She got sent out into the hall way and actually received a detention for her actions. After school I talked to her about her behavior and just wanted to know what was going on. "I don't appreciate at all how you treated me in class today, A. It was really unlike you." She said she didn't do anything wrong and asked in what way did she treat me that I had a problem with. We had a conversation about it and in the end she was able to realize that I expected more from her because I know she can do better. She knows she can do better. She apologized for her actions and by the end of the conversation she saw her friends and was happy again, but leaving the room I was unsure if she actually took anything in, if she cared.

This morning I saw her in the hallway before class..."Ms. Serrano, I apologize again for yesterday. I'm really sorry." "Thank you, A. I accept your apology and I'm glad to see you today. Have a good day, okay? See you in class."

I was extremely proud of her for calling me over and letting me know that she needed help so that she wouldn't explode. It took a  lot of control for her to decide she wasn't going to let distractions get the best of her and it gives me hope that what we talk about during our 50 Acts of Leadership Lunches are paying off. She even said so herself in her Leadership Log:

"I am very proud of myself because I think that I am becoming a very nice young lady."

Happy Birthday, Ms. Serrano!

It was a great day at school this Wednesday. It made me happy hearing the chorus of "Happy Birthday, Ms. Serrano!" during the passing periods. My classes sang Happy Birthday and I can't even remember how many hugs and smiles I received. Even my leadership lunch with DA wasn't too bad. He still resisted during some parts, but I tried a different approach with him and he was at least responding - definitely a step forward. A nice little birthday present from him, even though he may not have been aware of it. And on top of it all, mother nature had a gift too - winter's first snow! Didn't stick around for long, but the park our school is in looked beautiful with the fresh layer of snow.

"How can you care for someone that you don't know?"

"You don't have to know someone to care about them, DA. I know I don't know you, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and what you do... I want to get to know you better so that  I can help. I see how teachers treat you, how this school treats you, like you're a bad kid. But I know you're not a bad kid, and I want to help you change that image so that people can see who you are and who you can be."

You hear in training that for some of these kids, you're going to be the first person to ever tell them that they can do more with their life, they can be better. I had my meeting with Big M today, AP wasn't in school today so it ended up being just me and M. As I walked into the lunch room to look for him, he gets up and starts play fighting with his friend. Things escalated and it appeared like they were about to start actually fighting but with the help of my teammates, we separated them and I told him to wait out in the hallway for me. That set up our conversation about violence and his life. His older brother, 17, is locked up for 5 years for selling drugs. He hasn't seen his dad in 2 years and he was never around when M was growing up, he thinks he's somewhere in Arizona now. His mom picks him up from school but doesn't like seeing her because they don't get along. He lives with his grandma, who doesn't know he's in a gang. He doesn't sell drugs but he fights adults. "You have to fight in order to get respect." The last fight he was in was 2 weeks ago. This year he has already been in over 20 fights. M is only 14 years old. He doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up, all he knows is that he likes guns, and he's a perfect shot. "Maybe a sharp shooter for the government..."

 "I've never thought about it... I know I can do better...but I don't want to...it's never occurred to me." 

"I fight because it's exciting." "There are a lot more things to life that are exciting, M." "I know I can do 

"I'm here, and we're going to work on finding things that are better for you, M. Life can mean more than just violence. We're going to find something for you. I want this for you, but you need to want it to, so we're going to work on that this year because I know you can do better."

Stars in the night sky...

"You guys are like stars in the night sky...when its dark outside, I just look up and see the Serranos and the Lewis' and the Washingtons...and when you guys come together, you're like the sun."

-E 

Turning over a new leaf...

DA was absolutely amazing today! He was a great student. He didn't talk, he paid attention, and even though he struggled with the work, he still tried, didn't get frustrated, and got all of it done.

"I'm really proud of you, DA. You did great today." "Thank you."

He even called me over by my name, and said "excuse me" when he bumped into me on accident. I got to meet his sister last night at report card pick up and it was a great opportunity to tell her that I'm really excited to work with DA and tell her about the work wer're doing in class and outside of class. I made sure to say all the positive things about DA and mention things he could work on but has a lot of potential with. It was really great being able to meet her, and I saw the impacts of helping DA today in class. :)

I'm not used to this...

"Can I ask something?"

"Yeah!"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"All this...(points to the water and string cheese I got him because he wasn't feeling well), with all my struggles?"

"Oh, 'cause you're not feeling well and I want to help."

"You'll have to excuse me, I'm just not used to that. It's hard to explain, but I'm just not used to people treating me like this. Thank you again."

"You're welcome E..."

Overheard at Collins'...

"My kid is getting better grades because of all these red jackets!"

- Parent at report card pickup day 

Happy notes...

My girls in the 50 Acts of Leadership Program (behavior program) have been doing good lately, especially one of them, so I made them notes to express how proud I am of them :)

JOY:

R: "You have a way of persuading people when you talk to them."

Andrea: "Oh yeah?! Did I persuade you to do your homework?"

R: "Yeah! I'm serious,  I'd never done my work like this before until you talked to me and were on me to do my work all the time. I take my work more seriously now because you talked to me."

An Apology...

R recently got suspended because of the way he treated me during class on Tuesday. He wasn't at school yesterday and today is report card pick up so student's don't have to come to school. In the morning we were in the City Year room working when I hear my teammates say "Hey!! Good morning!" I turn around and see R coming up to me. "Good morning, Ms. Serrano, I was wondering if we could talk?" "Hey! Yeah, of course, let's go outside." He sincerely apologized to me this time about his actions, admitting that he was disrespectful and took out his anger on me. "That's not who I am and for that I apologize, you don't deserve that." I greatly appreciated him going out of his way to come find me and apologize in person. he said he's writing apology letters to his teacher, me, and the principal for his actions, but when he heard I was at school that day, he wanted to talk to me in person. I could tell he was genuinely sorry for hurting my feelings and promised to do better. We went back into the City Year room because he also wanted to talk to my team leader and apologize for his actions and for any advice about his situation - because of his suspension, he won't be able to be on the basketball team. We told him that there is only so much we can do, but we would try to talk to whoever we need to talk to in order to help him out. He understood that we couldn't promise anything but he still appreciated that we were willing to try.

R is probably one of the students that I have the best connection with here at Collins and I'm so glad that he trusts me enough to come talk to me and set a plan with me on how we can improve together. I hope I can help him follow through and and inspire him to  do his best and succeed in everything he does...

I'll beat you up!

I talked to DP today after school. During lunch my teacher said we should watch out for him because she thinks he may have joined a gang recently. I saw him after his wrestling practice and we talked a little bit about school and life. Before he walked away I asked if things were okay, if he was getting into any sort of trouble... "no I'm not" "look me in the eye and tell me.." "I promise Ms. Serrano, I'm not getting into any trouble." "You better be telling me the truth otherwise I'm going to beat you up! You're one of my favorite students here so I'm going to be watching you very closely!" The smile that came on his face made my day so much brighter, it was nice seeing that he knows I care about him :)

Back at school!

MB came back to school today after a ten day suspension and it was great seeing him again! He noticed how frustrated I was in class trying to handle DA and D but he came down to the City Year room after school. We worked on the homework and caught up with each other before he had to head out to work. It was a really nice conversation that made me feel better about the day. Simple joys in talking with one of my favorite students!

JOY:

I was walking up the stairs and usually a whole bunch of students pass me by without saying anything to me and I'm the one that says hi to people. Today has been an extra long day and didn't have as much energy to say hi to people up the stairs but I was surprised when Big M tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey Ms. Serrano!" when he saw me :)

Starfish: I made a difference to that one...

"Good idea opening the gym in the mornings to play basketball, before that I wouldn’t make it to first period on time but now I do…”

- freshman during our after school homework help 

There are about 100 students that come to school late every day. With morning activities like basketball, we are making a difference one by one...

Session Two...

Today I had my second official lunch with DA, I was a little scared that it wasn't going to be as good as our last one and especially because we weren't going to play basketball, I was going to try to do the planned lesson with him. I asked if he wanted to go outside with me but he refused because it was cold. Instead he wanted to go to the City Year room..."only if you promise me that you won't get distracted by the other people..." We sat down at a table and before I started talking, I could tell by his body language that he was going to be difficult. He kept playing with the staples and pins on the bulletin board and responding only with "nuttin'", "i dunno kno," "this is boring," and "I want to switch groups, this is boring, they're having more fun."

"Okay, well what can we do to change it then? To have more fun. I am more than willing to change things to make them more fun..."

He kept insisting on talking to my team leader, Jade, about switching groups because my group was boring. So we went over to her and they talked about the situation. At one point it seemed like he was about to cry and I thought maybe he was really listening and going to seriously consider changing his attitude. And apparently, he was great in 4th period after their talk. He worked hard and was respectful. So I had high hopes for seeing him in 7th period. But unfortunately, he was extremely difficult and disrespectful towards me. He kept getting frustrated at me, himself, the teacher, the school, everything.

It's upsetting knowing that he acts this way towards him when I want so badly to help him. One day he'll have enough trust in me...

Switch

The good ones turn bad and the bad ones turn good.

Q didn't freak out when I told him what he needed to be doing but E kept talking during the whole period and didn't make any effort to listen to me.

Joy and Thorn.

Let's see what 7th period will be like. Maybe they'll switch from bad to good.

Grant me...

the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

A surprise at Lake...

Today we had a training day downtown. On our way home at the subway station a student from my 7th period class came up to me with a huge smile and gave me a hug. "HEY! What are you doing here?!" We laughed a little bit and I introduced him to the other City Year people I was with. Turns out he was headed North because he was going to stay with his cousin for the weekend. On our ride up north we talked about school and how he can get his grades up and what he wants to do with his life. His family is full of rappers so he wants to become a famous rapper one day too. His uncle is apparently about to make it big in a year so when that happens he thinks he's going to finish high school through being home schooled and he'll try to begin his career as a rapper. Overall it was a great and happy experience getting to talk to him outside of school and get to know him better. I asked him what he thought about City Year and how we're doing... "You guys are doing good...but you guys can be annoying! Every time I turn around I see the red jacket standing behind me! You guys are everywhere!" "That's because we care about you! And probably because you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing!" We laughed some more and we continued to enjoy our conversation. "You better have all your homework done on Monday, DC!" "Naw, I'm not gonna do any of it..." "WHAT!? But you have like 4 days to do it! You can do it, you have plenty of time!!! And its gonna affect your grade! Every single assignment counts!" "I'm just kidding, I'm gonna do it!" "You almost gave me a heart attack!" Soon after I got off at my stop, "see you at school on Monday, DC!" "See you, Ms. Serrano."

Breakthrough...

I walked into the lunch room, a little scared and dreading how exhausting it was going to be having to follow DA around trying to get him to come to have lunch with me. But as soon as I made eye contact with him and waved him over, he stood up without any hesitation and walked over to me. “Hey, did you bring a basketball to school today?” “Yeah.” “Where is it?” “In my locker.” “Let’s go get it.” We headed down the stairs and into the gym. “Alright, so we’re gonna play a shooting game. For every shot you make, you get to ask me a question. And the same for me.” “What kind of questions?” “Any questions, as long as they are appropriate.” I was surprised how well he was responding to me. No resistance, no hesitation, no attitude. Is this the same Dimetrise?! We get into the gym and start shooting. He makes the first shot… “Okay shoot, what’s your question?” “Why are you here?” “Why am I here? With City Year?” “Yeah” “Well, I’m here because of how I feel about education. I was born in Mexico and the school that I went to had to was really poor, like dirt floors and no air conditioning. Then when I was 6, I came to the United States, I crossed illegally, and left my hometown really quickly, I didn’t have time to say bye to my family and friends and I didn’t get to see my family for a year because we started our paperwork to become a citizen. Having the opportunity to get my education here in the states and going to a college like Notre Dame, I was able to really appreciate education and how important it is. But I know that not everyone feels the same way, they struggle to see the importance. So that’s why I’m here. To help people see the importance and to try to help.” I noticed that he was really listening. He stopped dribbling the ball so that he could hear what I was saying, and for the first time, I was able to talk to him and know that he was taking it in. He didn’t say anything but just looked and me and gave me a nod then passed me the ball to shoot. We kept going back and forth shooting and asking questions.

“Why did you come with me so easily today?” “McKenzie told me I had to come.” To “So what do you think of me now?” smiling he responds with “..it’s….decent.” …

“Why do you give me such a hard time when I try to meet with you?” “’Cause I like being with my friends at lunch” As he was saying I think he realized that that excuse wasn’t good enough, I just gave him a nod to show him that I understood, but we also both knew that it was only once a week and he would be able to be with his friends the rest of the week.

“What do you want to do after high school?” “I want to go to college and play baseball.” “Yeah?! Where at?” “I’m looking at Oregon, Ohio State, and Oklahoma.” “I have a friend that played baseball at Notre Dame. Why baseball out of all the sports you play?” “I’ve just been playing baseball the longest and I can play anything in it.”

“Have you ever made a half court shot?” “Yeah.” And of course he had to show off and made 3 half court shots!

 “Is your family in Chicago?” “No, my mom’s side is still in Mexico, and my dad’s side is in California.”

“What are you going to do this weekend since you have 4 days?” “I’m gonna play with my nephew.” “how old is he?” “10.”

“What sports did you play in high school?” “I played soccer, softball, basketball, and I ran cross country and track.” “I play football, baseball, basketball, and track.” “We have a lot in common, huh?” “Yeah.”

Finally, a conversation when we were able to talk and listen to each other! As we walked out of the gym to go back upstairs, … “Thank you, DA, I really appreciate it.” “You're welcome.” "See you in class." "See you Ms. Serrano."

Taking a look back to Building Tomorrow

BT ‘Walks the Talk,’ Opens Sixth Academy in Uganda

NOVEMBER 2, 2010

More than 200 community members, future students and local dignitaries officially opened the Building Tomorrow Academy of Sentigi, supported by the University of Notre Dame in the rural village deep inside the Wakiso District of Uganda. Classes will begin at the new Academy in January 2011, in conjunction with the start of the academic year.

Plans to begin construction at Sentigi commenced in the winter of 2009 when local leader Gerald Kasibante offered nearly three acres of his own, private land to construct the BT Academy. Parents, guardians and local leaders provided more than 20,000 hours in unskilled labor to clear, build and beautify the site.

“You people are saying you build tomorrow,” said Prince Herbert Wasajja representing Wakiso District. “…We thank you very much for walking the talk.”

The BT Academy of Sentigi features seven classrooms, an office, library and teacher staff room, as well as a 10-stance pit latrine.Working in conjunction with the Vice President of Uganda, Professor GilbertBukenya, teacher housing has also been constructed on site to provide a safe environment for the seven teachers and headmaster who will work at the Academy.

Nearly ten local officials spoke throughout the four-hour ceremony as future students filled the air with song and dance in celebration of the area’s first permanent school structure.

“This was an incredible opening ceremony, indicative of the resolve this community has demonstrated throughout the entire construction process,” said George Srour, Director of Building Tomorrow, Inc. “When it rained, we moved inside, and when the sun came out again, we moved back outside. Nothing could stifle this celebration.”

During the 2007-08 academic year, students at the University of Notre Dame, working through the student organization ND-8, raised over $45,000 to fund the eventual construction of the BT Academy of Sentigi. TheSentigi site is the first of two Academies funded by student-led efforts at the University of Notre Dame. Work on the future BT Academy of Kyeitabya began in May 2010 with a scheduled opening in mid-2011.

Collins Academy City Year Service Briefing for November

New start...

Today I begin working with one more teacher and an administrator. I'll be helping Mr. A with Attendance Initiatives at Collins and Ms. B with her Junior reading seminar class. Hopefully the juniors will be more mature than the freshman...updates will follow at the end of the day...

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
People may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
...Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
You will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
Someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough;
Give the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.


-Mother Teresa

Catch up stories...

11/01/10
-Q started out talking to me during after school homework help. But I lost him very quickly after I was asking him to clarify the worksheet because apparently he felt that I was trying to show that he didn't know what he was talking about (which turns out he didn't...so, maybe there was a reason behind me madness?!) He ended up going to Mari's table and asking her questions but would get upset when she then would ask me to clarify things. After all, I am the CY person in his class and could very well help him with his homework and was more than willing to...but apparently I'm "always trying to start something, maaan!" So it seems we're back to square one with Q, or at least square 1.5 because he said his to me this morning (11/02/10) at morning greeting...ha! I'm not going anywhere Q, so start getting used to the fact that I'm gonna talk to you!

11/01-11/02
-I've had several encounters with A in class and he is still extrememely disrespectful. Staring at me and making faces, making comments as I pass by, and refusing to move back to his seat after I told him to move away from his friend... "You're not a teacher, you can't tell me what to do!" That day he got sent to the Dean and I had the pleasure of walking him to his office. The entire walk he was silent - a rare thing for him. He knew he was in for a scolding, I don't know he was told or what actions were taken, but it didn't seem to help because the next day he continued to act a fool, and got kicked out of the class again. Both him and D. My teacher got so upset and shaken up by it that it took a toll on her. She was emotionally and physically drained because of it today and the students noticed. D and DA got told during after school help by another student -"she's crying because of you guys and how you act in class!" DA and D decided to go apologize to my teacher... "We're sorry for how we acted in class Mrs. H. and we want to get extra work so that we can raise our grades up." "I appreciate yo uapologizing, but what gives you the right to think that you can act like asses in class everyday and then come apologize to me after school and ask for more work to raise your grade? You should be doing your homework and turning it in so that you can have a decent grade, not coming to me asking for more work."

Joy:

This morning, I walk into school and C pulls me off to the side...

"Why were you crying last week?"

"Oh, I was upset with some students and how they were behaving...I felt ganged up on and it really got to me..."

We continue to talk about the situation and it really touched me when he said:

"I don't like it when my teachers cry. You don't deserve to be treated that way..."

Thank you C for looking out for me, its nice to know I have some student support even through the rough times.

And of course, in true Collins nature, our conversation ended with:

"If they get physical, let me know..."

 That statement kind of caught me off guard but it was also touching knowing that he wants to protect me and cares enough to do so.

"Okay, C. Thanks but I don't think it'll get to that point."

 It was still a nice way to start off the day, knowing that there are students that want us there and care about us.

What do you do...

when one student takes up all of your attention for most of the period?

Today in class the lesson was on how to write a paper. Just the introduction and topic sentences for the body paragraphs mind you. But most of our kids do not know how to write and they need so much help O_O. There are 30 kids in 5th period, and only two of us. But today, it was probably more like one because I spent a lot of time focusing on R. He didn't finish his homework and that set him up for some major struggles with the work we were doing in class today so I was helping him throughout the class so that he wouldn't get more behind. But that meant so many other students suffered because I wasn't able to help them with their papers. On top of that, we had two visitors observing my teacher, again. This is the 6th visitor this week. We're not really sure why there have been so many visitors. All we know is that our kids don't know how to behave, In front of Collins Administration they do, but when they don't know who the adults are, its as if they are invisible. Even the good kids were misbehaving today...talking waaaay too much.

Sigh

And now its time to refocus for the most exciting period of my day...7th period. Here we go.

A New Approach

My focus students are still having trouble understanding what leadership is and acts of leadership, so I've decided to take a new approach. Here's something I came up with for them...I also want to incorporate lyrics, quotes, and music to try to get them more involved and connected to what we talk about.

Enjoy!

Lately I've been...

..."as busy like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest."


Hours Worked at Collins Academy
Week One: 40
Week Two: 42.5
Week Three: 56
Week Four: 52
Week Five: 58.5

1st Day of City Year After School Homework Help at Collins Academy

Joy:

I was supposed to also help a kid with his Spanish homework, but he wasn't assigned Spanish today so instead we worked on World Studies. We finished the worksheet and just had a really great time together. As I was walking him outside to get picked up he told me "I had a lot of fun today, the most fun I've had in a long time.." "Me too! I really enjoyed meeting you! And now you know, if you need help with World Studies or Spanish..." "Oh, you don't have to tell me, I'll be coming back and getting help!" "GREAT!"

It was also wonderful meeting his grandpa that picked him up! I went to introduce myself and to tell him what we did today. I told him I had a great time working with J and that he has a great grandson, he was wonderful to get to know and an all around great kid. "I look forward to seeing him more!"

A big smile appeared on both faces, like grandfather like grandson...beautiful. 

...emotionally visible...

Frustrated. Angry. Offended. Stressed. Upset. Emotionally. Small. Powerless. 

Seventh period, our favorite class..."favorite". We dread the 1:57 bell everyday. But no matter how scared I am or how much I hope that the students actually behave for once, I put that smile on my face. Here we go...here they come!!!

I stood outside the classroom with my teacher just like any other day and after a while, I went in to get people started on the "Do Now". Fifth period started out great as I noticed that Big M decided not to sit in his usual spot and instead sat on the other side of the room, away from his friends.

"M, did you chose to sit over here? Did you come here on your own?" *Shoulder shrug* "I'm really proud of you M! Thank you for coming over here and not sitting next to your friends and spending the whole period talking, I really appreciate it!" "You're welcome.." 

 But what I was in for seventh period was very different. No joys to share. It's pretty apparent to the rest of the class that I struggle with A, D, and DA. Who doesn't. But its getting to the point that other students can really see how much attention I put into them and how much it takes a toll on me. I spent a majority of the period refocusing them on the lesson. While some times they were responsive and asked clarifying questions, most of the other times they were feeding off of each other, being incredibly disruptive, and disrespectful. If I say A's name, he gets upset because I know his name. When I call D out on something he shouldn't be doing, he apologizes but 2 minutes later, he's back to doing something to entertain DA and A. And whenever I try to do anything with DA, he gets defensive and closes off completely.

1. But today I felt like I was in a triangle of difficulty between them. I call out DA and D for hitting and bothering each other when suddenly they burst out laughing at something behind me. I quickly turn around and catch a glimpse of A doing something behind my back. He looked away in time for me not to be able to tell what he was doing, but I knew it was something inappropriate...
2. "...mother fucker!!!..." - part of A's lovely song he was blurted out as I was standing behind him without him realizing. I instinctively reacted and put my hand on his shoulder, more aggressive than usual. "You just hit me!!! Don't hit me!" he blurted out for the entire class to hear. People just looked at him and then ignored him, going back to their work. But A wouldn't give it up, he kept saying that I hit him and I need to get away from him "I'm not playing!" I was in shock myself that I reacted so quickly and was really close to going off on him but I wanted to take my time and think because I don't want him to completely shut off from me. So after a few moments, I knew that I wanted to apologize, but in a more private situation. So I asked A if he would be willing to talk to me after class but of course he refused; most likely assuming that I was trying to get him in trouble. 

After the bell rang, I walked out of the classroom following A. I felt it was really important for me to apologize as well as tell him that I did not appreciate his actions. In order for me to continue building a relationship with him, I knew I had to communicate clearly what I expected of him and what I was willing to offer him. As I called out his name though, he took my approach as an attack. "I'm just getting my coat, man!" "Okay, I want to tell you something though, can I talk to you?" He refused and tried to walk away. Luckily, a teacher was witnessing the situation and supported me by getting A to go into his classroom with me to have a conversation. A came back from trying to run away from me and I started off by saying "if you knew what I wanted to talk to you about, you'd be able to calm down and wouldn't have to react this way...I want to apologize to you, for reacting so quickly and causing me to put my hand on your shoulder in the way that I did. But I didn't appreciate at all the language that you were using, even if it was a song and you thought you were being entertaining, I didn't appreciate it and it caused me to react that way. And I also don't appreciate you making fun of me behind my back. I could tell you did something that caused DA and D to laugh during class and even though I didn't turn back fast enough to catch you, I know you were doing something inappropriate..." "It wasn't about you, we were just laughing..." and at this point, I could tell I was losing his attention because he started laughing and I could hear laughter behind me and before I knew it, DA and D were inside the classroom chasing after each other. The teach came back in and tried to chase them out but had to yell at them "Get out of my room! I don't want you here!" They finally got out along with A. "I don't want this to be the way that we interact A, I deserve respect and I'll give you respect too, but it needs to be a two way street..." "Okay."

On my way out of the classroom, I looked at the teacher that helped me and let out a deep breath. 

"Welcome to Collins Academy..."

Shaking, I walked back to my classroom. My teacher saw me come back in and immediately told the two students in the room to please step outside because she needed to talk to me. At first, I wasn't sure if she was going to say that I shouldn't have reacted so instinctively with "hitting" A, but she instantly came over to me and asked if I was okay. "I noticed that you ran out of the classroom when the bell rang and I was worried about you...what happened? What did he say?" I told her what had happened..."He's hard to reach to and read...it's not you, it's hard, I'm six years into it and I still find it difficult! You've been here only a couple of weeks but you're doing a great job, you're helping all these kids, and you don't deserve to be treated like that..." I felt so incredibly supported and free to let out my emotions. I knew this was going to be one of my challenges, controlling my emotions and releasing them in a healthy manner. "You held it together really well during class, you hid it really well because I couldn't tell, and you're just now letting it all out, I'm impressed at how well you held yourself together in class!" It was comforting hearing that I did a good job during class at not letting my emotions show because I was honestly ready to start crying in the middle of class. I felt so offended and insulted that I became so frustrated with anger that my instinct was to just cry about it.

It was really special being able to talk to my teacher about what I was feeling and how it was impacting me and just letting her know in general that I am a very emotional person and can get attached to people and their actions real easily. Her concern and words really comforted me and I felt even more support when the student were allowed to come back in. Big M from fifth period called out my name as he was walking in..."Ms. Serrano...are you okay?" "Yes, thank you M.." I wiped my eyes and put on my smile again as I headed downstairs for the after school help City Year puts on. In the hallway I ran into R and he also asked if I was okay. He heard everything that I told A after class because he was in the corner of the room finishing up some work. I don't think he saw me crying, but he could heard the conversation and I'm sure was able to tell that I was upset from it.

As I walked toward the CY room, I was preparing myself to let go of the situation that I just got out off and get ready and excited for the after school tutoring. The first two faces I saw were DA and D...GREAT. I kind of give them a death stare without really thinking about it, and I catch my team leader's glance next. I start walking towards our side room and she joins me. Everything comes out again as I explained to her what happened and I could see through my blurry, tear-filled vision that D was watching me cry. After letting some more out and taking some more deep breaths, I head out into the room to help people. I head over to the table where DA and D were sitting and D motions for me. "What's wrong??" "...I'm frustrated...with you guys...and the way you acted today..." I took another deep breath to let him take it in, and just put my hand on their shoulders and walked away. Later I found out from my team leader that was sitting next to them that D told DA "...it's because of how you acted a fool today!..." and I could tell even later on in the hour that D was refocusing DA whenever he wasn't doing his work "...just do it, man, just do you're work..." Once D finished his homework, he headed to the window and was staring out. I went over to him, "what you looking at?" "the football team...Hey Ms. Hallberg!! I finsihed my work!!" At first I couldn't see my teacher as she was walking by, but after I found her, she could tell that it was me standing next to D, waving back to us. "Hey, thanks D for asking me if I was okay...I appreciate you caring." "You're welcome."

After DA finished his homework, he headed to the computers and started playing a game. I took the opportunity to see if he would talk to me without interrupting me or walking away. Remember this is the same kid that refused, absolutely refused to talk to me about the possibility of meeting with him.

"You like to play billards?" "Yeah" "We used to have a pool table in my house growing up..." and went on to tell me about how he plays pool at the barber shop and all the tricks that he knows how to do. "So you're here because the basketball team has to come and get help with their homework?" "Yeah" "What position do you play" "Point guard..." "Do you play any other sports?" "Baseball" "I play softball!..what positions do you play?!" "Pitcher..center field..shortstop..anything they need me too, they like me out in center field because I can throw the ball in and get a guy out at home plate.." 

Two other students joined us and then I asked if they liked Starburst... :) They love candy!! Who doesn't I guess?! I brought some over to them and I continued to ask them questions..."Did you guys have fun today here?" Everyone nods...even DA!! "Are you guys glad you came?" everyone nods...EVEN DA!!! WHAAAAAT?!!!!!?!!!! :D Before DA was getting ready to leave, he taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I had some more starburst, and yeah, okay I was using candy to buy talk, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! Are you kidding me?! Do you people know how big of a step this is?! IT MADE ME SO HAPPY!

"Hey Q!" "*sigh...*...maaan! Why you always wanna be starting something!?" 


Since when does saying hello to someone mean that you want to "start something" with them? During class, Q usually gets pretty defensive too if I start talking to him. He's one of those that gets upset if I call him by his name...apparently I'm not supposed to know their name? The funny thing is that I defended him 3 times today during class! I knew he wasn't the one causing trouble, so I was there helping him out and making sure people weren't bothering him. But the one time that he grabbed someone else's paper and I was trying to explain to him that the worksheet was about opinions, there weren't any right or wrong answers...

 "MAAAAN! Okay okay, I get it, I get it!!!...."Q..I'm not getting you in trouble, I just want to let you know that its you opinion, it doesn't mean that there is a right or wrong answer.." "MAAAAAN! Okay! okay! Stop talking to meeee!"

At the after school session, it kind of turned into a game for us, every time we would make eye contact I'd wave and say Hi. He'd just shake his head and laugh. On his way out...

"Goodbye everyone!...except you...."

Again, its another interaction that I'll say to you: I'll take it!!! I'm glad that at least he's smiling back at me, and doesn't feel like I'm threatening him because after all, I'm just saying Hello!




So even though I hit a bump in the road, and the amount of air that I got from that bump sent me flying in the air! The end of the day was great and made it all worth it, all worth it. 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Joy:

"I love City Year... You guys are awesome... I'm going to miss you."

“I won’t come to school tomorrow…because I don’t want to talk to you!”

Today was my first 50 Acts of Leadership session with D! Or at least it was supposed to be…It’s been a rollercoaster with him so far. The first time I told him about the sessions, he really upset and even went as far as threatening to have his mom call to get him out of the sessions. Although the next time I reminded him about our upcoming meeting he didn’t protest and just gave me a “…okay.” But yesterday after class I told him I was going to meet up with him during lunch today and he went back to excessively refusing to meet with me. “I don’t want to! I won’t come to school tomorrow because I don’t want to talk to you!”

I knew I was going to have a hard time trying to get him to come with me if he was already in the lunch room, so I decided I was going to get a step ahead of him and be outside of his 3^rd period and wait for him so that he couldn’t escape. But while I was thinking that I was the smart one and he wasn’t going to get out of the classroom without me next to him, before I knew it, he was already walking away trying to get away from my sight. And so the race began…I followed him, didn’t call out his name but I knew he knew I was trying to catch up to him. He kept looking back, shaking his head. His first words were “I don’t want to.” “Why not? Do you know what it is? I just want to talk to you.” “I don’t want to talk to you!” “Why  not?” “Because I don’t want to!” … As I tried to talk to him he kept walking away from me up and down the hall, weaving in between people to try to lose me. He finally sat down at a table outside of the lunch room where his friends were standing. After some more going back and forth, D went into the lunch room one entrance and walked out the other in an effort to lose me. At that point I felt that I needed to give him some space so I just stayed in the lunch room and walked around talking to different students. DC called me over and asked if I was looking for D and we got to talking. We eventually spotted him on the other side of the lunch room and DC called D over. A ended up coming over and asked me the same thing. I started talking to A and even though he was saying “He doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to..” I tried to get him to understand that I’m not a threat to him and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to talk to me, “all I’m trying to do is talk to him”. A called over D and I was surprised to get his support. A was acting like a sort of middle man as I was trying to get D to talk to me. I think at that point D could tell that I was getting offended that he wasn’t willing to just talk to him especially when his other friends didn’t seem to have a problem with me. “I’ll talk to you next week.” “You’ll talk to me next week?! Okay! Can I get you to shake on it?” It felt like such a great accomplishment at that moment, to just get him to agree to meeting, even if it was a week away, I’m okay with giving him more time if he needs it, but I wanted a handshake, I wanted him to take responsibility in his words and have it mean something, in front of his friends. But I think he got scared again. He got up and walked away. A was standing in the middle of us and couldn’t believe that D was just walking away as I had my hand extended for him waiting to shake hands. A kept telling D to shake my hand but it didn’t seem to help. D just went to another table to hide away from my sight. So I took a breath and accepted that I at least got him to verbally agree to talking with me next week. So I sat down at a table with J, he was doing some work and I offered any help if he needed it. A little after I sat down, I looked up and saw that D was on the other side of the table. As we made eye contact (a huge step for him because he usually refuses to look me in the eye…) he extended his arm and said “I’m sorry for walking away and not shaking your hand”. It felt amazing that he actually cared enough to come back and shake my hand, so I’m hopeful that he’ll try next week, and if I need to I can remind him of the effort he put into shaking my hand and making the most of his word. I knew then that it was my time to go. I wanted to show him that I wasn’t going to just give up on him; if I had to follow him around for half the lunch period just to get an okay for next week, I was willing to do it. So after our handshake, I thanked him and got up to walk out. Outside of the lunch room, I saw A in line waiting for food and I went up to him “Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.” He extended his arm and shook my hand. We smiled and I walked away.

During those whirlwind of 15 minutes, I was shaking in anger, frustration, emotion, desperation, shock, but by the end, I was euphoric. A handshake and an “I’ll meet with you next week” may not seem like much to an outsider, but for me coming from D seems like a true gift. For once he looked me in the eye and he approached me without walking away. And I got the support from his friends; a resource that I feel will play a very important role in encouraging D in anything. So even though I didn’t get to talk alone with D and I found myself feeling a little jealous of my teammates as they were having what appeared like great sessions with their kids, I know that today I took a step towards building the foundation of my relationship with D, as small as it might appear, but don’t be mistaken, it was powerful. D is going to be a great leader one day, he just needs a little help so in the mean time, I’ll be trying my best to offer any sort of help I can to get him there.